GOOD INSTRUCTOR

An instructor was sitting in his office one afternoon when an attractive, sexy-looking student knocked on his door. "Yes?", he replied, "How may I help you? The student said: "I need to talk to you about my grade in your class." "Come in and have a seat," said the instructor. "Is there anything I can do to get an "A" in your class?" "What do you mean by "anything,", he responded. She wriggled provocatively in her seat and murmured: "You know what I mean - Anything!" "Anything???" She smiled and assented, in her best sultry voice: "I mean ANYTHING." The instructor got up from behind his desk, came over to her chair, cupped her cheek in his hand, and whispered in her ear: "Would you study?"

ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
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Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
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(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
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"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. If you'd like anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."
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"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub. Their carpets are always clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need any pictures taken. They believe the stock market is a random crapshoot, and the entire insurance industry is one huge scam perpetrated by Mafioso accountants. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
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"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
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"This is not an answering machine: this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where you can be reached, and my owner will think about returning your call."
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"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
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"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
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"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very, very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
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"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
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"Hi. Now you say something."
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Rest in Peace

At a motivational seminar 3 men are asked to come up to the stage. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Cab Driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years".

Pregnancy Exam

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink..
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this without a a magnifying glass, come back and see me."

The secret to a long marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' Hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.
I started to yell at her for shooting the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once."

The good samaritan

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time of night," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,

"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing set."