To Levitate a carpet….

….all you need to do is read this article and practise the following diligently:

Eat a hundred and fifty seven eggs daily
Mix the sweat of a toad and the liver of a platypus, look at it and not throw up.
Add some dodo DNA for good measure (I know they’re officially extinct but I used to work in a management consultancy and believe me, some exist)
Not sound patronizing, conceited or opinionated in a gosh darned politically correct world

There’s also a vital ingredient revealed in the sequel to this (geeks would call it a later version but, of late, I have noticed a marked increase in murderous tendencies in people on listening to lame brained software wisecracks and shall preserve a dignified silence in the interests of self preservation – an all too important priority in my mostly monotonous existence)

Have you ever read one of those weird self-improvement novels, which, as the cover screams, is the world’s no.1 bestseller (The fact that about two thousand of these contrive to remain at the top spot simultaneously undermines their credibility somewhat, but I digress…)

I am slightly biased against such books. You could also say that I loathe, abhor, detest and abominate them with every fibre of my being if you were a crossword specialist. The fact that I got a rotten epitome of these species titled ‘How to win friends and influence people’ as a birthday gift from the pater at the tender age of 17 is neither here nor there, but there is a slight chance it may have contributed to this prejudice of mine…I mean, honestly, why would you want to ‘win’ friends or give a hoot about your influential tendencies at 17 (or for that matter, for your entire life)? If I see an intelligent bloke (definition: someone who thinks like I do), or an intelligent dame (hmmm……..) I’ll just make it a point to cultivate an acquaintance, see if there are mutual interests and just befriend him/her…what’s winning got to do with it?

Time and again I’ve been lured to a book because of its enigmatic (in some cases, absurd) title and its splashy packaging (trust the Yanks when it comes to advertising) or recommendations by critics (people who malign other people for a living) only to throw it away in sheer disgust because it related ‘profound’ experiences of oddballs all over the world, which changed their lives for better or worse depending on the oddity of the subject in question.

All interesting stuff, certainly, but a raw deal for people like me who go out to get a book filled with indefatigable black and ultra patient white characters who always manage to survive holocausts and march on to enter fresh, intriguing rigmaroles.

Modern profundity leaves me unfazed (except of course, Snoopy and Calvin)

As a child, when my peers were asking questions like ‘ What? Why ?(or in these enlightened times – ‘Why not?’) I was contemplating my algebra assignment and wondering ‘Why me?’ These farcical self-examinations drive me round the bend – why pay to ascertain if you are a complete loser? The other day I took a test, which helped me determine whether the left hemisphere of my brain was dominant or the right one, and whether I have ‘mixed brain dominance’ – stuff calculated to give a shrink an orgasm but tops the list of ’the most useless trivia ever compiled’ as far as I’m concerned.

The list goes on – horrible tragic stories which built character, chronic illnesses which revealed the true value of life (to those who survived), self professed do-gooders, who are out to improve society, at large, by telling people to abstain from smoking, drinking, meat – generally all the things which make life worth living. You have jokers quoting impossibly corny statements like ‘Nothing’s impossible, the word itself says I’m possible’and other rot like that…..This isn’t profound, its drivel of the first order.

I don’t want to be ‘happening’, I don’t want to impress idiots who mistake superficiality for wisdom, or volubility for strength of character. I don’t want to try damn fool things like levitating my carpet (its there for a purpose – to cover all the dust I sweep under it) or wonder why’ Quitters never win or winners never quit’. I prefer my cheese to be static and my soul is allergic to chicken soup.

When I want profundity, I’ll read a book which makes me think, I’ll listen to a song which makes me want to sing, I’ll watch a movie which makes me want to watch another one…..I’ll just live.


6 Responses to “To Levitate a carpet….”

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